Here I was once again for the millionth time throwing myself on the floor allowing my emotion to wrap me like a body bag. As the memories of past experiences and the failures from those experiences are played like an accordion in my mind, they give my thoughts live ammunition to shoot out words that no longer serve me. The response from all of it sends a rainfall of tears down my face as my throat closes and my chest remains heavy. I look up from my pillow angry at life and ready to blame, in hopes that the anger at the blame will give me some sort of calmness inside my storm. It doesn’t. It didn’t. I still wanted to remember the fear of her hand smacking me across the face, her eyes telling me I’m not worth a two-bit whore, and her voice screaming all my imperfections twenty-four-seven. My youth has trauma. Let me be a victim, a statistic, and broken. But what does that solve. NOTHING!
As I was coming into my own, I would replay those moments several times throughout the day knowing that I am choosing to hold on to them, holding on to the victim mentality, it was easier for me to stay worthless. Because if I become something that meant I would have to work on not being nothing.
I knew I had to find the courage to make the choice to get up, dust myself off, and erase the body outline of myself from where I laid.
So, I began. I thought to myself If I spend half my life feeling and being shit and it led me nowhere, what would it look like if I spend the other half of my life feeling and being of hope and joy. Where would it lead me? I thought, how hard can it be, Ill wake up smile and live HAPPY. I will get up early work out, listen to amazing music, and get my energy flowing. BULLSHIT! IT DOES NOT HAPPEN THAT WAY. It does not work that way, because I can’t just forget what I have endured throughout life up to know. I had to find a way to endure and yet overcome.
I had to dig deep into my hourly thought patterns and figure out a way to disrupt my negative self shit talk every time they came racing in, like a formula one car on its last lap. I had to figuratively pick up a sledge hammer and break down walls that prevented me from trusting myself. But the hardest of all, the thing that was most imperative, I had to forgive my abuser, forgive myself, and decide to start where I was and be present in every moment. To let go and stop living in the past.
When I think about what serves me, I think about high vibrations, connecting to my energy source, and working through my bullshit the moment it comes up by asking myself the “Is that a true statement”. The moment I want to go off on a tangent and feel some sort of shame I ask myself, “Girl is that true, does no one love you?” Nine times out of ten someone always loves me, even when I feel like that someone is me. You see the question is not “does no one love you” the question is why am I feeling like this, what situation has triggered this emotion? Then I break it down. I get down to the nitty gritty, I follow this three P system I created to get thru the negative moments.
Pause– I pause to take a breath, I pause to respond instead of react.
Process– I process my emotions and thoughts. I allow them to be recognized and then flow through me.
Proclaim– I set intention, I proclaim a new narrative, a new truth, & a new mantra, to have loving energy.
This system created a new habit. I stopped deciding to stay in the habit of expecting or thinking the worst. I began to come into my own knowing I was worth more than my past experience. And so are you!