It Begins with Me
Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions?
*WHY don’t they stop verbally abusing me?
*WHY does the hate they have for me, have to be shown with their fist?
*WHY was I dropped off to fend for myself?
*WHY did the abuse have to happen, as if everyone around me was blind to it?
*Am I surviving or thriving?
*Was it me?
The events that caused these questions fueled my thoughts on emotional abandonment. For years, they eroded my spirit and for most my life they became excuses and justification for the challenges in my life… for the weight I wanted to lose, for the love I wanted to create for the women I wanted to become.
The memories of my past became my excuses to overeat and treat others horribly. They were the things that kept me from accomplishing goals. They manifested fear that kept me from living out my dreams. They began to overwhelm my relationships so much that all I did was blame others for not loving me enough. As if it was their job to fix me.
I was unable to be truthful or transparent because I was constantly re-living my past over and over again. I was choosing to live in the past, even worse I was using the emotions created from my past traumas to affect the present moment.
It took me over twenty years to realize that all my doubts, fears, worth and struggles all started with me.
I was choosing to act and be ashamed of the list of words other people defined me as. Fat, Ugly, stupid, liar, faker. Those definitions, those words, I imbedded them so deep into my soul, that my soul forgot what purpose it was sent here to do.
Then the day came, the day I decided to take back my thoughts, my actions, my life, my mindset and the definition of self that others labeled me as.
I was fired from a Job, no, an organization that I gave my blood, sweat, time, and tears too. I was told once again that I was not worth anyone’s time and that my skills, the skills I bought into, were no longer wanted nor needed. I was crushed. I was outside myself; I was beyond help.
The pain I have endured my whole damn life had finally finished me off. Put a fork in me I was done. But I knew deep down there was a lesson in everything and I was determined to find what that lesson was. I pulled the fork out and got to work.
I began to recognize and be aware of the triggers that would set my mind swirling. Triggers that tricked my thoughts that lead to the wrong actions. I began to change the words I said to myself, I began to break down the false teachings from others. Most importantly I began to forgive.
I forgave me, for abandoning myself throughout my adult years. I forgave myself for allowing my inner critic to control so much of my life. I forgave the poor decisions I made, I forgave the acts of lies and manipulations I put on myself as well as other people.
As the walls came down and the trust of vulnerability went up, I began to set boundaries on family relationship, and boundaries within my environment. This transition began to build up my faith, my confidence, my worth and my love for self.
I changed the way I thought about my life, and that began to change the way I felt about life. It all began with ME.
I began to emotionally forgive my parents, family members, and the bullies in school. I laid down the truth and never allowed the lies to cover me up and consume me again. I released the excuses and the justifications around my hate.
I disrupted the negative thoughts, I mediated to find solid ground, I rediscovered my intuitive abilities and I TOOK BACK MY LIFE.
After seven long years; I am still amazed at my transformation. I am confident, I am worth, I am ENOUGH. I have become. I am so grateful for that organization that fired me.
The lesson was to transitions.
The lesson was to guide others.
The lesson was to live my TRUTH.
The lesson was to shift my mindset to develop new tools to pull from when the rough days hit. The lesson was to Love myself.
All it took for ME to do that “ALL began WITH ME.”