Imagine we are looking at each other face to face trying to decide if we are going to work out today or if we are going to go to IHOP and enjoy CARBS instead!!!! In this moment we are searching for Self Esteem from ourselves as well as from each other. What if I was looking you in the face and I told you that there is such a thing as negative Self Esteem.
You see for the longest time I thought I had low self Esteem, but after being fed up with life I began to search for me. I realized I had self esteem but it was negative self esteem, meaning i was gaining self esteem through negative ways. “I judged”. I was judging others. I viewed other people with jealousy, I put them down to build myself up. I was so afraid of facing my own fears of life that all I did was judge others to make myself feel better about myself. I was building self esteem alright, negative and deconstructive self esteem.
I want to talk to you about my Perception of negative self esteem, I think of it like one of those group painting session, you know the ones where your friends, or partner get together you sit down in front of a blank canvas and the instructor teaches you all how to paint the same painting. But as your painting you notice yourself scopeing out the competition to see if anyone’s is worse or just as worse as your painting or you negatively throw up that self esteem and you show yours off as if you are michaelangelo so you can hide the fact that you are bullying everyone in the room. You see I was putting a mirror up and hiding behind. I placed the mirror towards the crowd so I couldn’t see the true me. Causing my perception of what I thought was positive self esteem was actually negative self esteem shattering my foundation of self love.
We come to many crossroads in life, and this happend to be mine. This concrete (aka self love) I poured was sideways and bumpy. So i got that old jack hammer out and I began to hammer the shit out of it. Granted it was the toughest damn rock I have ever broken into,but I did it. With each piece of stone I began to see myself just as I was, no expectations, no judgement, no societal perception, no race to run just hammering away slow and steady to get back to loving me.
This journey was 10 years ago and I am so happy and grateful now that I am looking at my self, face to face, having those tough life altering conversations, checking myself, holding myself accountable for my actions, and beginning to create a positive Self Esteem persona. Cause, dammit sometimes I just want to enjoy CARB’Swith a clear conscious.
We have to put in the hard work. Face the mirror and know that true personal growth is about transcending the part of you, that you don’t like.